It’s that longing.
For days now I have been searching for inspiration that would help me piece my words into a linchpin of symmetric emotions. I guess the virus that came drugging me with fatigue and cough also came with an opportunity to lie down under the glow-in-the-dark constellations in my room.
When I close my eyes to find that inner peace of the stress-free life, I find nothing but distorted thoughts to deal with. I have come to find how complexity of the mind is truly so intriguing. It’s like this giant universe of black holes that drags you to a certain brand of consciousness, exploding multitudes of emotions, feelings, and realizations instantaneously. Today, as I closed my eyes, one feeling struck me, a feeling that I felt I had erased: loneliness.
If you’ve gone through half way this text just to find a hint of aberrance—something you probably are not looking for, it’s not too late to scroll down to the next one. Because in the this post it’s not about greener pastures and clear blue skies, what this post is about is reality. My reality. It’s about that one side of me that’s tainted with withering silver rose petals and dark grey sunrises, something that I have kept so long in me that I expected it would have rot into ashes by now. But here I am, imagining the glum scenery living in an isolated, colorful and beautiful house, staring at the fields of gray.
With the facade of a seemingly perfect, nurturing family lies in me a grave longing for nurture from outside world. Protection, security, care, love. For years I have been exerting everything I can to reach out to the people of the outside, to successively reinforce them into such a way that they become the exact people I’d expect them to be around me. And for some people— to most people— it worked. But you. You, the very delicate being that you presented yourself to be have proved to be the most complex mind I have yet to decipher. The totality of your presence just sends me and everything else on an adrenaline filled chase towards an unbound horizon, but sometimes I can only run so far. The chase can only be two finite points.
I am tiring. I am in need of your presence. It’s a few days left before we see each other, but know that I am lonely, for every minute of everyday that you’re not here. For every moment we could have shared or the arguments that show we care. It kills me not to see you. It’s ripping my insides as to how our relationship is going. With a blink of an eye all the condensed occipital films of memory just exploded in front of me, and at the very core was a tiny linchpin that set it all off. It read ‘I miss you’. And I do. Everyday.
Twenty two days to see you, and I cannot wait, and I wish I could let you know how agonizing it is to helplessly wait for that time to come.
And now I realize, all it took to wash away imprints of happy was one blink, one moment of introspection to see..
Winter is coming.
#personal #sad #lonely #couple #long distance
“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding
Perception.
Six billion people. That’s twelve billion sets of eyes. That’s.. A lot.
I guess what I’m trying to say before I doze off entirely into a realm where it is actually better than reality, there are really many faces to a story. There are no exact ways to view a situation, because all the pupils dilate in various femtometric distances that generate different pathways of interpretation to each uniquely integrated brain.
The point I’m trying to get to is that there’s no right or wrong answer in every problem you face. Trying to see the problems on different faces is a good thing, but in the end know that the only opinion that matters is yours.
Now that it has been mentioned, I see the world—at least my world— as one big manipulative game. One that I think I’m going to lose by default.
Know who you’re fighting for.
I keep on saying how we should love people for the totality that they are, but the desire to love diminishes for every second that it doesn’t get reciprocated. This post is written so impulsively that I might just end up deleting it after because of it’s poorly organized structure, but for me, I think that love is not just about a one way street. Just because you love somebody, doesn’t mean you should just keep on accepting who they are, while they go around and try to change you. I think that being in love with someone is all about waiting for that special someone to change. Actually now that I think about it, it is about waiting. Waiting that some day, they would actually change into someone you’d want them to be. Some day they’d be better.
For people out there who think that my life is this never ending happiness, I’m sorry to disappoint. Behind the bright smiles is a dark malleable matter forming inside of me just waiting to burst and collapse. For the first time in my life, I admit. I am not happy. Not just yet. For reasons I have still to figure out.
So yes. You’re right. I don’t smile because I’m not happy. I’m emotionless because I don’t feel anything. I find no meaning in anything. And you, the way you reacted is just the push I needed to see who the people worth fighting for are in my life.
